the secret life of music

Mind. A vast, complicated, disorienting, tangled, empty mess held together with hopes and dreams and glue and strings.
But mostly music.
Music is air. Music is water.
It's blood and rain and color and movement.
I dream in the key of A and think in the key of E. I laugh in D and cry in G. I shout in F and whisper in B. I'm bored in C, but I muse in E again.

A is a rather purplish shade of red. She's a little annoying some of the time, but mostly keeps to herself. She's smart, and has more influence than she or the other keys think. She doesn't really care what the other keys think of her. She and B are friends for as long as any key can remember, everyone wonders when they're finally going to get together.

E is gold. He's also a dreamer, but can be logical and linear as well. He's friends with G. He likes to travel, and likes to wonder about things, whether or not they're important. the other keys like him, well enough, but he's hard to get close to.

D is orange. He likes exciting things. He's a little bit of an adrenaline junkie. He laughs a lot and has a nice smile that's contagious. People like being around him. He's carefree and optimistic, and likes messing with F. He doesn't mean any real harm by it, though

G is blue. Navy blue. Everyone likes G. He's easy to get along with. He's practical, logical, and down-to-earth. But he's also fun to be around, and has a sarcastic side. He used to go out with A, but now they're just friends.

F is bright yellow. She knows what she wants and is hard to please. The other keys admire her, but don't really like being around her. She gets things done. She does exactly the work she needs to, no more, no less. She's very confident and doesn't particularly care about the other keys liking her. She doesn't like D very much, and can't stand C.

B is light blue. Sky blue. He's a little awkward and hard to talk to, but he has a heart of gold. He loves dreaming, and often gets lost in his mind. He's always stumbling over words. He's smarter than the other keys think he is. He's had a crush on A for a long time, but has no idea how to tell her.

C is red. He's a bit of a slacker. He likes easy things. He's nice and friendly, and most like him. He doesn't really plan on a future, just takes life as it comes. He's a bit of a flirt, and often asks A out. B is terrified she'll say yes to C before B can ask her. He's got more of a moral compass than he lets on, though, and has a sentimental side he desperately tries to hide.

i don't understand

You always dance to the music
I can't hear

You sing the songs
I can never learn

You live in technicolor
where I see in greyscale

You love the life
I can hardly survive

gravity's game

We are surrounded
By faces without names
While helplessly grounded
By gravity's game.

those whispers in your head

It's weird to think
that someone has
cried over you
prayed for you
loved you when you didn't know it.
Someone has
talked about you
laughed hours later
over a joke you said.
Someone has 
composed unsent letters to you
wished you were there
thought about you when you didn't want them to.
And do you know
what's even weirder
to think?
Someone's doing all those right now.


this ain't fantasy

No prince will come and rescue you. 
You have to rescue yourself.
You won't fall in love in a moment.
But your heart will be broken in one.
Once you decide to love, you won't stay passionately in love.
It's going to take some work.
No one will hear you cry at three in the morning and hold you and tell you it'll get better.
You have to get up, get a box of kleenex, and lie alone in the dark, waiting for your eyes to dry out.
No one will sacrifice everything to see you become the best you can be.
You've got to make yourself do it.
No one will take a bullet for you.
You're going to have to duck.
You won't succeed the first time.
You'll have to try dozens of times more.
You won't get better in a day.
It's going to take some time.
But it has to start now.
So stop believing the idealistic lies the movies tell you and pick yourself up off the floor.
And you tell yourself to try again.
And you tell yourself that it'll get better.
And you tell yourself that you are beautiful and wonderful and quite frankly, the best thing to happen to this world.
Because, eventually, maybe you'll believe yourself.
But you have to start now.
There's not enough time to be sad.
Trust me.
Because I believe in you.

to all those teenage girls

There are plenty of things in life worth screaming about.
This is not one of them.
Thank you.

the end of the story

I guess it does have a happy ending after all, for eternity was never at stake.

the evasive future

I wholeheartedly wish that you'll someday be as happy as you pretend you are.


the scarecrow spirit

A little worse for wear
But wiser all the same
Living by the lessons
I've learned along the way.

the season finale

What now?
This could conclude our program
End with a clinching finale
I could cease to spontaneously create new patterns of words ordered in ways they hadn't ever been before
Well, maybe I'm a cynic
But that wasn't the best ending
Kinda left you hanging, didn't it?
So you know what?
I'm going to keep going
Keep on writing about nothing
Keep on rambling 
And shouting at the world 
And singing to the sky
Because although I love you
I love you more than you'll ever know
There's more to me than you.
I guess I was wrong. You don't define me, you complement me. You add to me.
And I am not incomplete without you.
If I sound flippant, please do not mistake that for anger or apathy.
Because you know what?
I can be happy.
And I'm happy about being happy.
Life, if you don't take it so dreadfully seriously, can be a little fun.
There's all sorts of things out there.
And I'm going to find them.
And I know, that just because I am happy now, doesn't mean I won't cry myself to sleep tomorrow. 
I hope I won't.
But that's the thing about being human...
You never really know.
And I think, 
I hope,
That I'm finally willing to accept that.

So here goes nothing
And everything
I'll end up writing whatever the hell I want to.
Which, I guess, is what I should've been doing all along.



short term memory

So I guess
I'll do my best to forget you
until you remember me

of shattered silence

Ok, maybe I was wrong.

THIS is the war that nobody won.

I have my answer. It's everything and nothing at the same time. I still can't make you understand.

But, I guess, knowledge never comes from force. It isn't bought or sold or pushed or flung—

It's found.

And I'm going to have to live with that, I guess. The universe doesn't seem to want to change the way things are for me.

So much for saving the world.

But, I guess, I've always known, that if you try and fix the world—

you'll only break yourself.


what it all comes down to

I miss you.
More than I could ever say.
Please believe that.

paper airplanes

Maybe you're not lost
Maybe you just don't want to be found. And I'm still searching. Does that make me the villain, then? Because I never minded playing that part.
I'll imprison you in the tallest of towers until you hear me out. Until you hear me say I'm sorry.
Then you can go.
And only then.
But until I find you...
I guess I'll just keep spilling my thoughts to the screen and wishing on dandelions and waiting for rain and looking for shooting stars and writing on park benches and sending paper airplane messages to the sky for you.

Because I can be patient.
So I'll wait here.

and just like that

 And no matter how hard I try not to,

I still love you.


the war that nobody won

This was something I wrote a while ago, and you never saw it. I wanted you to. I like it, well enough I guess. But I always needed your opinion on anything I wrote. Here 'tis:

This war rages ever on and on
And nothing can be found
Of those who've fought and died and lost
And strayed from freedom's ground

The war is still, victory claimed
They say we fought a good fight
But how do they know what's true, and good
If they're only the ones who survived

The war will never truly end
At least, that's what they say
As long as there're memories, broken hearts
As long as there's hell to pay

The war has burned all it pays
All songs of hope are done
Now everything's still, paid in full
But tell me again, who won?

the sunday silence

It's sort of ironic
Because the day
That their friend
Her son
Our Leader
And Lord
And Lover
Came back
Against all odds
Victor over death
Was the same day
That against all odds
You left
Taking our hearts with you
Taking your love
Far from me
Neatly contradicting
The same day
That Love returned.


They say time heals the pain
Time doesn't do anything to a wound except make it
Time infects us with
Things antiseptic can't cure.

i'm going to have to ask you to vacate the premises

This really isn't funny anymore
Can you stop?
Did you really think, when you left, that the you in my mind would leave too?
Did you think that all memories of you would just
And we could go our separate ways
And sometime, years later, think
"Oh, she used to say that. Huh. Haven't thought of her in a while. Oh well."
Because I did
I'm so
With this
With you
With this whole twisted world
Get out of my head
Leave, ifyawouldn'mind.

significance everywhere

There's only a one-letter difference between your and our.
And it is the oldest question known:

I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, but it sounded sort of poetic, I guess.

364 more days

This was not the year I got a boyfriend
This was not the year I got straight A's
This was not the year I conquered my mind
This was not the year I faced my fear of performing
This was not the year I wrote many stories
This was not the year I started to mend
This was not the year I discovered drawing
This was not the year I wrote poetry
This was not the year I learned to laugh
This was not the year I sang for tips

This was the year I lost a friend.
And even though none of the others are lies, none of them define me like you did.

a mind has a mind of its own

Get out Get out Get out Get out of my head Get out Get out Get out
My mind seems to think that you still belong there, and no matter how much I rant
Or cry
Or reason
Or justify
Or hate
Or shout
It still, slightly confused, puts you in my head
Day in, day out.
And it never
Puts you in the nightmares you give me.

silence gave me your answer more coldly than you ever could

If this is a joke
You can stop now
You can laugh
Because I fell for it
You can tease
And remind me of it
For as long as you like
You can tell them all
What an idiot I was
Please be ok
Please be laughing
"Let's tell her
I can't believe
You fell for that
You really thought
I could just leave?"
Nobody's laughing
You aren't calling
This is a joke, right?

you should be in the pictures

I look through my pictures, trying to find one of my cat or something to show someone and then you show up. Oh. I'd forgotten about that one. I don't even think you know I took it. I was just being stupid and annoying you (I was always good at that), but now I'm so relieved I did. I've started to forget what you look like.

Looking at that screen, all I can think:
Were you blind
Was your mirror warped
Because you are so beautiful.
Why couldn't you see it, why didn't you believe it?

I didn't tell you enough. Maybe you would've believed me if I'd said it just one more time
Here goes



You know how when you dream, the only part of your brain that fully turns off is the logic centre? I guess everything except rationality is telling me that you should still be here. Who needs reality anyway? My dreams are the only place I can see you anymore, anyway, where you aren't frozen in photographs or left on loop in one of the stupid fun movies we made. I know all your lines by now. And in my dreams, even though it's all my own imagining, you still manage to be

on the coroner's table

My life is
all I had

I guess it
wasn't enough.


pencil shavings

I was always a blank page
nothing to give,
nothing to take
you came and wrote
beautiful poetry
all over me
but then you spilled the ink
erasing all I held dear
all your beautiful poetry
lost forever.

friendly fire

With you
I never thought 
I'd be in danger
But now
I'm running
From the shrapnel
That's already pierced my heart.
You were the time bomb
I got too close
Now I'm under friendly fire
Shots fired.
Man down.
Dead on arrival.

open book

You're a brilliant actress
But a terrible liar
And that's what gives me hope.

Because I can read people
And I know
I know that leaving hurt.
Hurt you a lot.

Or maybe that's just wishful thinking.

have you been ripping pages from the dictionary?

They always say in movies, when something happens, the world will never be the same.

But regardless of magnitude, the world will never be the same. No matter what happens. No matter if the world ends or a watch just keeps ticking. Time just keeps moving on, carrying us with it, if we're lucky.

We're constantly changing, and none of us realize it. Until we're suddenly wrenched from the time stream, and then we realize how far we've come.

Am I making sense? I feel like this is complete nonsense. I know what I want to say, but there just aren't enough words in the english language. If I invented new ones that could fully convey what I am and what I want and how much I miss you...

Would that be enough to make you come back?

All those pages and synonyms and antonyms and homophones and contranyms and words and words and words.

And somehow, there's still not nearly enough.

And I'm rambling. Like I always do. Sorry for the inconvenience. I'm sorry. For everything.

the cripple on the corner

When it was all of us, not just you and me but all of them too, that was the only time I ever felt alive, complete. I guess it was like a team.

No, it wasn't. We were our own entity, together we made up a new being.

I'm made up of all of you. All the broken, chipped-off pieces. When you left, it felt like someone had taken my ears, my hands, my eyes.

I don't know if I can heal completely from this maiming.

the red on your wrists

I still worry to hell and back that you're not ok. Are you? Please be ok. Please. I'd never forgive myself if you weren't.

white flag waved

I keep going over everything I did
Maybe if I had just
tried a little harder
spent a little longer
walked a little further
looked a little deeper
I would still have you.

But I can't find my big Mistake
the last straw
the final error
Because looking back, you know what I found?


It's a wonder you stuck around as long as you did.

a shattered mirror

I thought you were beautiful
for what it's worth
even if you didn't agree.


the cowardly lion

You're probably at the beach today, the place you were in love with. Weird to think, that if I just drove a few miles, I would see you. Alive, happy, better off. I'm still trying to decide if that sight would be worth getting yelled at and hated. I think it just might

Ah, I almost forgot. I have no courage. 

I wouldn't dare.


Both those who save
and those who kill
end up with
bloody hands

the spirit in the station

nobody loves
nobody sees
nobody laughs
nobody hears
nobody helps
nobody feels
nobody saves
nobody tries
and worst of all—
nobody cares

the invisible flood

When I turned
and walked away
after you told me to go away
and stop caring
I didn't 
I couldn't
I wouldn't 
let you see me cry.
But you might as well know now
I cried
a lot
maybe I drowned
somewhere in the flood
that you brought me to.
I cried for you
and me
and cynicism
and love
and reality
and this whole damned world
but mostly just for you.

the 9 to 5 workday

I guess you were my alarm clock. What a wake-up call.

And still, all I want to do is


hater full of love

I thought that maybe
now that you left
left me standing in the fragmented remains of my heart
I would be able to hate you

maybe you should know

I was


a choice

"Happiness is a choice"
says the one
who's never had to choose
"Life is  gift"
says the one
who's never seen it as the curse it can be
"You'll be fine"
says the one
who's never been anything else.

on the conservation of energy

They told me that nothing could be destroyed
just rewound
they told me that there's nothing new under the sun
if that's true then maybe
the vibrations from a piano's keys
once shook the earth, collapsing
the energy as his pencil moved across the page
telling her how much she means to him
may be spent years later
digging her grave.
a last breath—
part of the storm whipping the sea into a frenzied turmoil.
the words on a birth certificate—
the ashamed, shaky
on a suicide note.
and your tears, falling
the rain that fell on a parched desert
the drops that broke the dam
rushing roaring down...
perhaps the 
itself was hesitantly coursing its way down your face
unable to be restrained any longer.
the walls had broken
and here was the flood
So have courage!
you take a deep breath of the air
that once was a shout of victory
why are you so afraid?
the unknown is irrelevant
for all there is
is all there ever was.
your words insisting that you're always fine
are the lament of those conquered long ago.
the first breath you breathed
was the last another took
and the rain that pours now, incessantly
those are your tears
one by one
each is older than the human race
more powerful than a flood
they are the rivers that etched out
the Grand Canyon
they are the gales
that sank a thousand ships
they are the first raindrops 
of a storm, falling on your windowpane...
and somehow you can endure these
for the times you think you are weak, remember
the hurricanes
the floods
the waterfalls
and torrents
and rainstorms
that fall from your eyes
drop by drop
I am always amazed
that still you stand through
what drowned thousands.

proverbial desperate measures

I was so proud
so irrationally proud
that I held my tears back
and didn't show you
the chaos engulfing me.
Did you know it was the first time in years that I did
that I had to hold them back
I guess you made me human
if it was the last thing you did
to me.

the paradoxical thought

I'm really not sure
if I hope you're happy now
or I hope you've realized
that you miss me
more than you thought you would

the one three rows back

I miss seeing
the back of your head
from my seat
in church.

the makeshift philosopher

Sometimes, I'd swear that you died, not just left. You keep showing up in my conversations, slipping a word in edgewise where it certainly wasn't invited. you're always in the past tense—like the moment you left, you ceased to exist. Maybe that would have been more convenient.


everything i didn't have

I thought I had everything
but that wasn't true
I'd gained the world
but loved naught that I knew
because after everything
that I'd gone through
I didn't have anything
for I didn't have you.

mascara stains

The feeling of tears
dried on your face
is weird, isn't it?

the historian

Maybe our happiness is dependent upon how much of the past we let into the future.

a soulless romantic

Did you know
that when I told you
that I loved you—

I meant it.

a plastic diamond

How much of it was faked?

the one you left at the airport

You said what's past is past
What's done is done
But I still can't understand why
You say it defines you
Though you left it behind
But as you wish, I guess this is goodbye

You stood at the station
You said to me
And saw in the distance disaster
Luggage and tracks
Passports and train wrecks
Without me you said you'd fly faster

I tried to be distant
Aloof, apathetic
I tried so hard to be mad
So I'd have something to feel
But then I realized
That your life was all yours that you had

So I'm waiting for
Your foretold failure
And I'm growing more sure that you meant it
But the white flag you waved
Is all I hold dear
So as for me, with my life I'll defend it.

the romantic and the cynic

I always followed my heart even if it meant losing my mind.
And now you've gone and lost your heart in pursuit of your mind.

a ghost of your memory

Is it really so terrible of me
to wish that you think of me
every time I think of you?

We all love the theatre

I'm starting these in hopes that maybe you're meant to find them. Maybe it's written in one of God's seemingly forgotten playbooks. In case you do, hello. Don't take these the wrong way. Before you stop reading and cry or hate me or both, just let me say this:

I miss you. A hell of a lot.

-Your forgotten friend